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Writing

After graduating from Georgetown in 2004 with a spectacularly unprofitable degree in political science, I moved to New York with the highly original idea of “becoming a writer.” I was promptly rejected from a job at Bath & Body Works. Seriously. Shortly thereafter, I convinced an editor at the Manhattan newspaper AM New York to begin running my weekly dating columns, which I wrote until Spring 2007, at which point I started as Time Out New York’s dating columnist (I get around). I stayed there until 2009.

Along the way, I have written for Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Newsweek, New York magazine, The Guardian UK, The Huffington Post, Nerve, Page Six magazine, Marie Claire UK, Teen Vogue, Seventeen, Capitol File, Michigan Avenue, Men’s Health (and a monthly dating column in COED magazine for two years, from 2004-2006).

In 2010 I signed a deal with Tribune Media Services in Chicago, and my internationally syndicated technology and social media column, “Social Studies,” debuted in 2011. It ran in newspapers around the world, including the Chicago Tribune, Florida’s City Link, The Telegraph in Calcutta India, The Korea Herald, and many others.

In November of 2011, I signed on as a contributor to ELLE.com to write a dating column called Guinea Pig of Love, in which I go around trying to find out why the hell I can’t have a healthy relationship. It’s fun! You should read it.

In the meantime, check out a few of my published articles from the last decade below …

(One caveat: I’m currently in the process of uploading all of my writing from the past three years, including my ELLE columns and my Tribune Media Social Studies tech columns, as well as a few other stragglers. I know, I know, you’re waiting with bated breath.)


MATCHMAKER’S MARK



MATCHMAKER’S MARK
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JULY 11-18, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON 

On any given summer night, fellas at outdoor bars have four general goals: (1) Enjoy the weather; (2) enjoy their buddies; (3) enjoy the alcohol; (4) get laid. Given the obscene amount of time men have collectively spent trying to figure out the most expeditious way of achieving No. 4—years of monosyllabic discussion (“You bang her yet?” “No.” “Sucks.”), whole books devoted to the art of the pickup (like 2005’s best-seller The Game)—you’d think they would have mastered it by now. Um, no.

So on a recent Saturday night, [read more...]

BOOZE CRUISING 



BOOZE CRUISING 
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JULY 11-18, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON 

I’ve never been a big drinker—I’m practically a teetotaler. I refuse the chardonnay at book parties. I dance without being hopped up on vodka Red Bull. I’ve had weeklong beach vacations with nary a margarita or mojito. But when it comes to first dates, I can’t seem to stay sober.

Apparently, I’m not alone. “Alcohol is a first-date requisite,” says Patel, 24, a writer. “It’s an inherently uncomfortable situation. And if the plane goes down in flames, well, better have something to take the edge off.”

“Naturally, I [read more...]

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT 



WASTE NOT, WANT NOT 
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JULY 5-11, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON 

I used to believe in recycling exes. In other words, when that intangible something just isn’t there, but all the other elements are (intelligence, attractiveness, a healthy you-know-what), you finish your business, take some time off and then pass him on to a friend in need. Good karma, right?

But the theory—however brilliant—has the tendency to get mangled by the inconvenient jealousies of everyday life.

Last summer I gave an ex to a friend, with instructions to enjoy him as she saw fit. As it happened, [read more...]

STARVING ARTIST



STARVING ARTIST
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 28-JULY 4, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON 

“They say write what you know,” explains Paul Janka, the author of a 20-page instructional treatise How to Get Laid in New York. They also say don’t hate the player, hate the game. In this case, it’s easy to actively dislike both.

Janka, 32, thinks of himself as a sexual sociologist; his number of conquests reached three digits several years ago, a milestone he wishes he had commemorated “by having a T-shirt made.” He’s not a professional athlete or a frontman in a rock band. He has no [read more...]

SHARE-ING IS CARING



SHARE-ING IS CARING
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 21-27, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON 

’Tis the season to weekend in the Hamptons—or, better yet, to find someone to weekend in the Hamptons with: a “Hamptons playmate,” as one of my friends explains. Formed on the not entirely tenuous foundation of sun, sand, sex and (free) lodging, these relationships rarely extend beyond a summer expiration date—or the shores of Long Island.

“The advantage of the ‘Hamptons girlfriend’ is that you don’t have to spend $400 on a bottle at Star Room on Saturday night to find someone to go skinny-dipping with you,” says Michael, [read more...]

BODILY DYSFUNCTION 



BODILY DYSFUNCTION 
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 18-25, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON

I would prefer that the men I date think of me as a nice-smelling robot—incapable of peeing, farting, burping, menstruating, sweating or, yeah, number two. And honestly, I’d be quite content to think the same of them.

It’s not that I’m against bodily functions, per se. They have their purposes—toxin excretion, gas discharge, uterine housecleaning—they just don’t have a place in the judgmental world of dating.

But eventually, there comes a time in a relationship when the reality of being an animal becomes difficult to avoid—particularly since most [read more...]

SHOESTRING THEORY



SHOESTRING THEORY
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 14-20, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON

I’ve been on all sorts of dates—some cheap (Queens!), some not (St. Barth!). But a great date isn’t about a black AmEx: One guy showed me the bill for our superpricey dinner because it was a “weird” number—$666. Subtle and classy!

So you can’t pay for tickets to the Met or a copter to the Hamptons? No worries! Amir Blumenfeld, Ethan Trex and Neel Shah, the twentysomething authors of Faking It: How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself, have thought up four frugal dates just for cheapskates [read more...]

THE AGE OF SEX 



THE AGE OF SEX 
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 6-12, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON

“These 40-year-old women have experience, confidence and sophistication. But what if they had to compete with a group of 20-year-olds to win the heart of one of the world’s most eligible bachelors? Will he pick a kitten or a cougar?”

Nothing like a little high-concept reality TV to start off the summer!

Admittedly, the idea of a “cougar” is so five years ago. And yet, it remains an inescapable part of both the cultural lexicon and the urban dating scene.

Forty-plus, confident, wealthy, with an (in)famously [read more...]

DEFEND YOURSELF JULIA 



DEFEND YOURSELF JULIA 
TIME OUT NEW YORK
MAY 30-JUNE 5, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON

Expert, n.: a person who has a comprehensive or authoritative knowledge of or skill in a particular area. Or, someone who says they do.

Much to my amusement, I’ve been the “expert” on a variety of subjects (including Paris Hilton, presidential politics, American Idol and the Wii) about which I possess little expertise—much less “comprehensive or authoritative” knowledge. I’ve never even seen the Wii, dammit! 

I’ve also been called a relationship expert. This, on the other hand, I am.

But what makes someone a “dating/relationship expert,” anyway? A bookshelf of pink-jacketed, [read more...]

LET THEM EAT SHOES



LET THEM EAT SHOES
TIME OUT NEW YORK
MAY 25-29, 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON

When I first moved to New York, my then boyfriend, a committed epicurean, frequently took me to the finest restaurants in the city. Four, five, six nights a week we went out: tuna tartare here, lobster risotto there, molten chocolate cake everywhere.

At the beginning, I found it romantic—the wine, the candles, the very tiny artichokes in our salads. But after a while, the meals started to blur together. And then, I realized I had not only gained 15 pounds (a solid 15 pounds), but the very idea [read more...]