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Mini-Debate: Crying During Sex – Good, Bad, Weird … Huh?

I’m not sure how it came up exactly (seriously!), but this weekend Code Name TK & I were discussing the enigmatic “girls crying during sex” phenom, which he found “weird.”  I actually wrote an entire article about it for COED magazine back in ‘05, but haven’t brought it up much since (although I’ve definitely cried a few times in that interim!).

What do you think??  Email me –

APRIL 2005

Ask any man about women crying during sex and you’ll get a strange reaction.

First, there’s The Blank Stare – they have no idea what you’re talking about.

Then there’s the silence, which lasts … and lasts …  enough time for you to rethink the three glasses of champagne you had before you brought up the damn topic.

Just as you’re planning an escape route, he gives you this look – like you’ve somehow seen into his bedroom, circa high school.  He’s astounded.  “Once,” he says.  Or maybe “Yeah, twice, it was weird.”

The confusion is palpable. He still has no idea what happened.

I swear, I’ve had the exact same conversation with dozens of guys – all ages, all types.  Sometimes I try to piece together the story.

Me: “What did you do after she started crying?”
Him: “Nothing. I just lay there.”
Me: “umm … okay.  Did she say anything?”
Him: “Yep, she rolled over and said, ‘I love you.’”


Me: “And what did you do next?”
Him: “Nothing.  Then she REALLY started crying.”

Sigh.  Of course she did, dumbass.  YOU DIDN’T SAY I LOVE YOU BACK.

I suppose it might have been worse if you had slapped her and yelled “why are you so ugly??” but either way, waterworks were in order.

So women cry when you don’t tell them you love them?  Um … not exactly.  Well, sort of. *sob* Okay, yes and no.  Confused yet?  Welcome to the female brain.  Er, the emotional female brain.

How do I know?  Actually, I myself happen to be, uh, well, a Crier, for lack of a better term.  Do I cry all the time during sex?  Hell no! That’s a little … weird.  But it has happened on (very special) occasions.  And I’m betting that it’s happened to you, as well – maybe once, maybe twice, maybe even a few times (I suppose it depends on how many emotional women you’ve bedded).

The truth is, women cry during sex for a host of different reasons, but it’s easy enough to narrow them down if you know what to look for … and believe me, you’ll want to know why she’s crying.  It could be good, it could be bad, and yep, it could be really really bad.

Let’s clear up one thing.  It is not, as my friend Ken believes, because “they see god.”  No.  No, no, no.  They see your nostrils.  Or the ceiling.  Or maybe the headboard, depending on your position.

It’s probably nothing physical at all, although I’ve heard some horror stories about pain – he’s either too big, or he’s slamming you against said headboard (which is solid wood), or you just had a baby and your … well, we don’t need to get into it – but honestly, that’s the rarity.  And usually that doesn’t result in actual crying, more of a scrunched up wincing / scratching.  (If you can’t tell the difference, you have bigger problems than your penis size.)

So why are they crying?  According to Lisa Jones of Men’s Health, “crying is a mysterious release, sort of like an orgasm … [it’s] usually about intimacy – as in, I’m feeling so very close to you that I’m able to completely let go and express this burst of pure joy.  But, in rare instances, it could be about lack of intimacy, too.”

She’s absolutely right.  Women, sex, love and some very strong conflicting emotions can certainly combine for a volatile explosion of tears – and if you’re lucky, an orgasm too! (bonus points if they’re at the same time)

Sex in and of itself is an emotional event, or it can be.  You won’t find many women crying with one-night stands – they usually break down with men they care deeply about.

So you have sex, you have love, and then you have physical closeness, which can exacerbate and intensify anything you already feel in the relationship.  A friend of mine described his first experience with bedroom tears: “It was one of the most endearing and giving emotions that could be expressed during a love making session by a woman.  I believe a woman truly has to trust her partner in order to show such a sign of emotional openness and at the same time, vulnerability.”

He hits on a key point there – crying is often about vulnerability, either when you’re falling deeply in love, or you feel that your partner may be leaving you, or you’re just overwhelmed by the entire experience. When emotional intimacy matches physical intimacy, the result can be the most memorable and incredible love making you’ll ever experience.

Of course, the ladies will want to be careful they’re not described the way an ex of mine did when I asked him how he felt the first time I cried in bed.  “Startled,” he said, “and wet.  Sort of snotty also.  You’re a gross crier and if you have makeup on and you really get upset – it’s like a wet dog covered in black vanilla ice cream mucus howling at something.”

Black vanilla ice cream??  Thanks a lot.  Also, that makes no sense.

“But why did you think I was crying?” I asked him.

“Because you were crazy when we dated.”


“Seriously though,” he continued, “is this really the topic of an article?  Have you considered getting a job that actually challenges you?”

Sigh.  It’s a hopeless crusade, this one of instilling slow male brains, unaccustomed to water laden emotion, with knowledge about their more evolved counterparts.

I suppose if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: if she starts to tear up, don’t stop what you’re doing, because you could very well be sleeping with a girl like my friend Lauren, who sobs for joy every time she actually has an orgasm.  Maybe they’re that rare for her.

Or, hey, who knows?  Maybe she did see God …

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